ROI

Mitt Romney has announced he's suspending his candidacy. Behold the destructive power of Super Tuesday! I'm having trouble deciding which pundity to advance on this one, so I'll throw 'em all at you and you can pick the ones you want.

First of all, the undisputed conclusion - Romney was getting a terrible Return on Investment. He outspent his rivals 20 to 1 and saw an increasing downward trend in votes. He could still buy the Vice-Presidency, which is much cheaper but considerably less powerful; but even then he's likely to get trounced in the marketplace by the rival Huckabee brand and he will probably decide it isn't worth it. He is the Mitt who can't catch votes.

So what does it all mean?

Option 1: Americans don't trust good-looking white guys any more. They've fallen by the wayside one by one. John Edwards, Joe Biden, Mitt Romney - these are the WASP prom dates of politics, the White Alpha Males, and there is a feeling that that kind of guy will get the country drunk, take advantage of it, then not call the next day. We are thus left with the old white guy with the enormous cheeks, the younger white guy with the friendly jowls, the sexless battleaxe and the hot UN-WHITE guy. If the trend continues, I'm pretty sure the battleaxe will be running the country by this time next year.

Option 2: Americans are kidding about hating the illegal immigrants. That was Mitt's trademark, stopping the flow of illegals because the illegals are dismantling the country. And a lot of people claim that's at the top of their list of concerns, yet they voted for the guys who gave it the least lip service. Perhaps on some level we secretly LIKE paying less for vegetables and construction.

Option 3: Mormons creep the rest of us out. I have Mormon friends and they are perfectly decent folk, normal and friendly. But the Mormon narrative, with its Jesus in Utah tales and the cannibalism and the magic underwear and the aversion to caffeine (what kinds of monsters ARE these people) makes you question not just their faith, but faith itself. And when I say this remember I grew up Catholic, so I know a little bit about weird narratives.

Option 4: Americans saw through Mitt Romney. Cynics beware, this one is a hard option to swallow. To buy Mitt Romney's positions, you have to believe that all the positions he so fervently held as governor of Massachussetts were mistakes which he saw the light about just a couple of years before he ran for president. Sure it could happen, just as it's possible for Bill Clinton to believe he wasn't lying to the Grand Jury because he didn't think THAT was SEX. But, you know, c'mon. So voters may have heard him claiming he was a social conservative and simply didn't buy it. Ah well, at least Rush Limbaugh bought it.

Option 5: Americans didn't buy the name. Mitt Romney is the name of a character from PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE. It's not the name of a president. BTW, if this one is true it doesn't auger well for Huckabee, who is a better Theme Restaurant than a president. And come to think of it, Barack Obama doesn't exactly suggest leadership as much as Pebbles Flintstone's boyfriend.

Option 6: Ron Paul paid Romney off. I'm completely talking through my hat on this one, but Ron Paul is making so much internet money that who knows, maybe he saw a chance to narrow the field and Romney saw a chance to make a little cash back on a bad deal. And you can't tell me Paul isn't crazy enough to make the offer.

Option 7: Romney isn't actually pulling out. I think he said he's "stepping aside" and "suspending his candidacy". Language like that means at the last minute, he might step in again, maybe after Huckabee mysteriously comes down with Dioxin poisening.

That's what I got. Anybody have other analysis?