Airport Security Plain Speakin'

So let's face it, body scanners in airports are hugely expensive, probably dangerous and not very effective. The alternative, pat-downs, are invasive, embarassing, and time-consuming. Simply speaking we can't screen EVERYBODY who goes on a flight without paralyzing the flight industry.

Therefore, some say, we should only scan likely troublemakers. Call it profiling if you will.

Now, who do we include in the profile? Let's not be politically correct. Muslims. Muslims brought down planes on 9/11, so if we just concentrate on Muslims we'll be safe. You with me so far? Good. So the next thing is to determine how we spot the Muslims. Obviously if anyone says they're Muslim, you run a check on them. If they look like a Muslim, you run a check on them. Simple. So the next step is determining what they look like.

This is where it gets interesting. Men with beards. Check all of them. People who look like famous Muslims, check them. Because not all Muslims have beards you know. And a guy willing to commit suicide for a cause would be willing to shave off his beard to avoid detection.

Most importantly, remember this. Arguably, President Obama is a Muslim. Maybe he's not, but this is security and we can't afford to take chances. Therefore, all men who look like Obama should be included in the profile. So basically African-American men (no women; women can't be terrorists) and guys who look like this.

You don't want to fight me on this, otherwise you're with the terrorists.