I Am Doomed

The DHS (which is a wasteful government agency that President Obama started) monitors your tweets. They're looking for troublemakers! According to Wonkette, this report contains most details of what they're looking for, but it's really long and bloggers have short attention spans. So instead, here's some of the red flag words that they culled.

Target
Subway
Southwest
Electric
Power
Cops
China
Smart
Help
Tucson
Sick
Wave
United Nations
Gas
Relief
Pirates
Response
Recall
Biological
Mexico
Ice
Watch
Social media

Oh hell, I mentioned ice just yesterday. Not online, but they have mics everywhere.

Gotta cut this one short - I'm grabbing some Subway for lunch then stopping at Target for an electric power strip. Oh and I gotta get gas.

All TV is Better If You Don't Understand It

Today I am watching France's Direct8 network via Roku box. This is a channel that I took the trouble to load because my girlfriend is learning French. I myself took a little French in high school, then sensibly abandoned it because, you know, there are no French-speakers in SoCal except for French students.

Still, I've retained just enough to have some idea of what I'm watching, which is why the show that's on now Présumé Innocent, makes some sense to me. It's a realité/news show telling the story of a controversial crime, apparently. They have reenactments, they have interviews. Does it matter what they're actually saying? No. What matters is whether I'm being made to decide if the guy is innocent or not. To their credit, I'm not sure where they're trying to steer me on this one. So far.

This may be a better way to learn French than our previous strategy, which was watching classic French Movies on Hulu. The very predictability of commercial TV makes translation easy. It's one thing to watch Hiroshima Mon Amor and pick out what the hell is going on. Even if you do speak the language, that one is impossible. On the other hand les Beouf-Carottes, a detective series about a grizzled veteran cop and his young impulsive partner, is so predictable that you already know the ending five minutes in. You can work on understanding the words instead.

On the other hand, I don't envy my girlfreind trying to pick out sensible phrases in the commercials. French commericals look exactly like ours, though they lean heavily towards yogurt products. But I know from OUR commercials that you'll get a phrase like "it's health-licious!" once in a while. How can you tell something like that from a real word? It's a minefield.

Over the weekend there was a good, solid TV movie about a horrible truck crash in a Madrid resort town. Based on a true story, it was fascinating to watch. Not because the incident was so telegenic, but because you got perspective on how to tell a story like that. After all the actual crash (it blew a tire and roared onto a crowded beach, where it exploded) only took about a minute of time in real life. So what do you do with the rest of the movie? You make up characters of course, and pretend they were there, and show how the crash changes their lives. It was like a cute little French low-budget Earthquake. I'd see it again if I could remember the name.

Absolute, Iron-Clad Logic

Look, Breitbart proves that Obama is even dumber than the stupidest man who was ever president, George W. Bush!

If Obama’s SAT scores were near the average of the transfer students entering Columbia in the fall of 1981, he would have scored significantly lower than George W. Bush, whose combined math and verbal scores were 1206 out of a possible 1600 points (as revealed by the New Yorker in 1999).

WOW! Obama must really be a moron is he's dumber than George W. Bush! And Bush would be the first to point out that that whole transfer class were all dumber than him, because THAT'S HOW AVERAGING WORKS.

But of course Breitbart is doing a disservice here, because what proof is there that Obama even went to Columbia? Did anyone see him there? I mean anyone who hasn't lied about it to the lamestream media.

Quote Of The Day: The Scientific Method Edition

“We’re spending $70 per person to fill this out. That’s just not cost effective,” he continued, “especially since in the end this is not a scientific survey. It’s a random survey.”


- Florida Representative Daniel Webster, who does not like the American Community Survey. He can't stand having information about his constituents when making laws. Remember, random surveys are the least scientific of all!

LATEST OUTRAGE!

Mitt Romney knows how to use a phone! How dare the left mock America's most beloved man, Mitt Romney? LEAVE MITT ALONE! YOU'RE LUCKY HE EVEN PERFORMS FOR YOU!

Non-Traditional Casting

A Republican comedy "sketch" starring "Joe" the "Plumber"! So Republicans can watch without being too enraged, they cast both parts with fat white guys.

Now It Can Be Told

You know me, I am a concern troll. Can't help it, I love to give the GOP advice. But this time I don't need to, except RUN WITH THIS ONE, BOYS!

You know, I totally wouldn't have voted for Obama in 2008 if I had known that he attended services presided over by Jeremiah A. Wright. This fact was brutally suppressed by John McCain, who's far-left hatred of the whites is also well-documented.

This document will defeat... wait a minute, I just noticed something on Page 6.

"It's hard to blame voters for being swept off their feet by Barack Obama in 2008: he was a handsome, charismatic figure with sweeping oratory...As a final stroke of inevitability, the bottom fell out of the financial world a month before the election..." (Italics mine)

I'm sorry, abort! Abort! The Super Pac is claiming that Obama didn't cause the recession! They're in the tank for him too! My God, his sinister terrorist infiltrators are in everything!

Attention Real-Estate Buyers

I think that land within a 15 mile radius of a nuclear power plant is going to be a steal! Snatch it up! Have one in your own backyard!

Hell, I'M Rooting For Her

Same reason I wanted Schwarzenegger for Governor: If it can't be competent, let's at least make it entertaining.

Romney Apology Raises Troubling Questions

You may recall that I hold the opinion that going back into candidates' childhoods and even college years is stupid. We all realize that whatever mistakes we made growing up, that's how we learned to be adults. So if Mitt Romney harassed a gay kid when he was in prep school, I sincerely believe it's a non-issue NOW. Similarly I don't care what Obama's grades were in college. Good grades aren't a constitutional requirement for Presidency.

It's the things you do now that illustrate your character.

So here's what Mitt Romney did last week.

“Back in high school,” Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said today, “I did some dumb things, and if anybody was hurt by that or offended, obviously I apologize.”

At the same time, Romney maintained in an interview on Fox News Radio that he couldn’t recall the incident for which he was apologizing: As reported in the Washington Post, the accounts of several then-teenage classmates of Romney at the all-boys Cranbrook School in Michigan recalling him and a group shoving and cutting the long hair of a student presumed to be gay.

“I certainly don’t believe that I thought the fellow was homosexual,” Romney said of the fellow prep school student. “That was the furthest thing from our minds back in the 1960s, so that was not the case.”

So what does this say about Mitt Romney?

1. Whether he did something or not, he'll apologize for it. Happy now?
1a. He's not the kind of guy who would remember whether he beat up a kid in prep school. Either he beat up so many of them that he can't pick one particular one out, or - well, that's really the only possibility if he's telling the truth.
2. He'd rather not tell you whether he thinks it's wrong to beat up a fellow student; he's just sorry if YOU think it's wrong.
3. He uses the term "fellow" in conversation, even though he is not Mr. Peanut.

So, judge him accordingly.

This Tweet Is Hilarious If You Don't Understand Evolution

Since evolution is supposed 2 b random Obama should declare marriage is only between a chimpanzee and a Mac truck.
— Andrew Klavan (@andrewklavan) May 11, 2012

Otherwise it's a little bewildering. And it's been retweeted 10 times, so a lot of people buy this premise. But what is the premise?

A. This week Obama declared that marriage should only be between 2 men.
B. Homosexuals are no different than chimps or trucks.
C. Evolution teaches us that trucks were created by God.
D. Once Obama takes away our Bibles and guns, he will force chimps to marry trucks.
E. The government should tell people who they can marry, but needs to stop declaring who can marry because the government is bad at it.
F. When you get right down to it, we all secretly want to marry a chimp or a truck.

See, I don't really buy any of those premises. What else could the tweet be riffing off of? I'm stumped.

Leave Them Kids Alone

All right, I hate to have to go over this again, but making an issue of what terrible things the candidates did when they were young is just stupid. In this case, it's the left reporting an incident from Mitt Romney's past, and it's no more relevant than that thing going around last month about Obama's dog-based snack when he was 9.

We don't actually have any prep-school candidates (or 9-year-olds) running for president right now, so their judgement is not an issue. Knock if off.

Quote of the Day: Dial It Down, Pal Edition

Sen. Claire McCaskill is receiving extra security after a comment at a recent Tea Party rally that has been construed as a potential threat. At an event Thursday in Springfield, Mo., Scott Boston, a St. Louis area activist who has been involved with the Tea Party, told the crowd "we have to get Claire McCaskill out." "We have to kill the Claire Bear ladies and gentlemen," Boston said. "She walks around like she's some sort of Rainbow Brite Care Bear or something but really she's an evil monster." 

The comment was seen as ominous enough to prompt the U.S. Capitol Police to seek extra protection for the Missouri Democrat.

On Tuesday, Boston said he did not intend the comment as a threat — only a metaphor for puncturing McCaskill's political persona."I was comparing her to like a giant Care Bear," Boston said in an interview. "If I said anything, I said, 'We need to kill the Claire Bear,' this idea that Claire McCaskill is this wonderful person running around doing great things for us."

Boston said that "in no way do I think the senator should be at all harmed." 

On Tuesday, Steelman came to Boston's defense, blaming the "liberal media" that, she says, employs a double-standard when it comes to covering political rhetoric that contain a hint of violence."I may disagree with the words Mr. Boston chose in his statement," Steelman said in her own statement, "but I understand his frustration and I emphatically support his right to express his views."

I'm not going to do the sick gag that I originally planned (it involved using similar language with weaselly qualifications about all tea-party members) because that's the strategy that got me booted off Where Are My Keys. So instead, let me offer this:

We are Americans and we have a right to use whatever speech we want. It one of the things that makes us the greatest nation in the world. But from a perspective outside the tea party let me tell you that you come off like thugs when you use this kind of rhetoric. It's scary. And unless your goal is to govern through fear, it marginalizes you.

Okay I'm done. Your turn to talk.

Virginia is For Haterz

The Pride of Virginia

Uh Oh! It turns out the next President of the United States will be neither Barack Obama nor Mitt Romney! It's Keith Judd! At least, in West Virginia.

Barack Obama was not the only Democrat on the ballot on Tuesday in West Virginia's Democratic Presidential Primary. Keith Judd - also known as Inmate No. 11593-051 at the Federal Correctional Institution in Texarkana, Texas - was running against him.

Judd, who is serving out a 17.5 year sentence for extortion, currently has received 40 percent of the vote, with 83 percent of precincts reporting, according to The Associated Press. Obama currently has received 60 percent of the vote.

Obama's lack of popularity in West Virginia has been well-documented. The state's governor Earl Ray Tomblin and it's junior senator Joe Manchin, both Democrats, have kept their distance from the president.

Okay sure, Barack still won the primary by 20 points but once people realize that there is a choice - between a Harvard Law School graduate and a white felon, well game over. What about the other white guy? A potential VP pick from Virginia says Obama has the edge over him. And let's face it, who is the guy you can imagine having a beer with? Judd.

Priorities.

The @dccc is calling Spkr @JohnBoehner a “bigot.” Is this their go-nuclear strategy to win back the House? #civility
— Paul Lindsay (@Paul_Lindsay) May 8, 2012

Let me get this straight - the Democrats are terrorist socialists, bent on destroying America from within. And Paul Lindsay is concerned that they are being uncivil? Apparently these are all bad things but nothing is worse than name calling.

It's like with Osama Bin Laden... George Bush was upset with him but didn't really care about killing him. Same with Obama, until he got actionable intelligence that the Al-Quaeda leader had said mean things about Joe Biden. Then it was clobberin' time, because that's how adults deal with stuff like this.

Stand Your Ground Law Open To Nuance

Try to guess what the mitigating factors were here!

***Update*** I'm grateful to the anonymous person who posted the text of the law (and then curiously, deleted it) to demonstrate that, in fact, stand your ground doesn't apply to domestic disputes because assailants who have a right to be on the property (i.e. abusive spouses) are exempted. Poor John Wayne Bobbitt wouldn't have been allowed to defend himself under Stand Your Ground.

Buy the Premise, Buy the Gag

Obama Star Trek: Tribbles invade BSS Enterprise. Eat everything and offer nothing in return. Obama calls them "voters."
— warnerthuston (@warnerthuston) May 6, 2012

So who laughs at this tweet? People who think that the problem with America is all those Americans. I bet Mitt Romney would find this hilarious.

Quote Of The Day: And A Shepard Shall Lead Them Edition

America's Role Model

Ted Nugent, who represents both the RNC and Showbiz, sat down with the gotcha media and they somehow tricked him into behaving like some kind of, I dunno, Motor City Madman.



What the f*** is with C ****ing BS anyway? First they trick Sarah Palin into looking like she is unprepared to rule the world be president, and now this. It got so bad that Mitt Romney had to back away from his beloved spokesman, relying on Kid Rock to deliver the youth vote. Kid ****ing Rock. I'd like to see HIM shoot a sparrow from 200 feet and flay it with a sharp stone!

Michele Bachmann Embraces Obamacare, Socialism

Michele Bachmann, former United States Presidential candidate, endorsed Mitt Romney's bid to become president. It can't have been easy, because at one time it appeared she was opposed to "Obamacare" and socialism. She's down with 'em now! Welcome aboard, Comrade!

Better Hurry Up With That VP Pick

And Mr. Romney, may I suggest a centrist like yourself? It removes the incentive.

Florida Gov. Rick Scott (R) has officially rejected a proposal by the city of Tampa to limit firearms outside the Republican National Convention in Florida later this year.

Last week, the Tampa City Council formally asked Scott to use his executive power to temporarily suspend a state law that prevents local governments from regulating guns.

The council has already issued a citywide ban on items like pieces of wood, switchblades, slingshots, containers of bodily fluids and even squirt guns. A so-called “Clean Zone” around the convention area would prohibit string longer than six inches, glass containers, light bulbs, portable shields and gas masks. A smaller protest area would prevent demonstrators from having camping gear, bottles, cans and umbrellas. The Secret Service has said that only law enforcement will be able to carry firearms inside of the convention center.

“The short answer to your request is found in the 2nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution and Article I, Section 8 of the Florida Constitution,” Scott said in his letter to the council (PDF). “While the government may enforce longstanding prohibitions on the carrying of firearms in sensitive places such as schools and government buildings, an absolute ban on possession in entire neighborhoods and regions would surely violate the 2nd Amendment.”

“Like you, I share the concern that ‘violent anti-government protests or other civil unrest’ can pose ‘dangers’ and the ‘threat of substantial injury or harm to Florida residents and visitors to the State.’ But it is unclear how disarming law-abiding citizens would better protect them from the dangers and threats posed by those who would flout the law,” he added.

Yeah, the whole notion that you would stop people from carrying guns while members of the out-of-touch RNC leave or enter the Convention Center to nominate the first Socialist Republican Presidential candidate, thus handing America over to the terrorists, is crazy. Look, what's the worst that could happen? One nutso (a Democrat, obviously, probably with ties to the White House) squeezes off a couple of rounds into Romney's cranium. But then that guy is immediately taken out by dozens of law-abiding citizens! All the problems solved at once!

But Rick, what's with the ban on firearms INSIDE the convention center? You can suspend that, can't ya? Or do you hate our cherished freedoms? Tree of liberty, pal. Tree of liberty.

The Berean Baptist Church Knows What Jesus Would Do

And verily I say unto thee, seek out the least amongst you and PUNCH THEM IN THE THROAT.