Journey Into Fear

Everything you need to know about the conservative view of the world is neatly encapsulated in this headline:

Former US vice president deems Canada too dangerous for speaking visit

I suppose I could fill in a few details too.

Last Sept. 26, Cheney was forced to stay holed up in the Vancouver Club for seven hours before it was deemed safe for him to leave. Demonstrators blocked the entrances and at one point scuffled with police.

Cheney critics accuse him of endorsing the use of water boarding and sleep deprivation against detainees while serving in former President George W. Bush’s administration.

How dare they accuse him of such things? Where do they get ideas like that?

Canadians. A savage, warlike people, known for their unpredictable ways and their dangerously low-quality prescription drugs. Even a guy as tough as Dick Cheney is terrified of them. Who knows what they might do next? Write a pro-American editorial? Release another Martha and the Muffins album? Allow William Shatner to tour in a one-man show about his life?

Cheney would be best served by doing all his public speaking via satellite, from a bunker deep, deep down in the Earth. Everything else is just too dangerous, n'est pas? OMG! Sorry, "isn't it?" Didn't mean to frighten you sir.