"Life" Imitates "Art"

It's an old trick on sitcoms: find your main character's least appealing trait and introduce a character who has it ten times worse. Maxwell Smart is dumb? Maybe, but he's not Larrabee dumb! Jack Tripper is a lothario? Not like Larry Manetti!

With that in mind, consider Sydney Leathers. A google image search of her reveals dozens of bikini shots and selfies -- she just made a PORN VIDEO for heaven's sake. It's interesting, no? It makes me wonder if Anthony Weiner is behind the leak, and even maybe hired her with a mind toward betting back into politics down the line. If so, I have a much greater respect for the whole team now.

But still, for God's sake, drop out of the race Carlos.

Less Regulation, Less Government

Judging by Newt Gingrich's behavior, this is exactly what the Republican Revolution is about.

Police say they've seen numerous illicit massage parlors open in Hollywood, Koreatown and the San Fernando Valley. But the biggest explosion has been in Eagle Rock, which is a community that was also inundated with medical marijuana dispensaries.

"You can drive down the street and see one on every block," said Michael Larsen, the president of the Eagle Rock Neighborhood Council. "Our community is being inundated with prostitution."

The problem is connected to a 2009 state law that created voluntary state certification for massage therapists. The intent was to make it easier for legitimate massage therapists to work anywhere in the state.

The law said therapists with state certification could no longer be subjected to stringent local vetting. In Los Angeles, for instance, where city code classifies all parlors as "adult entertainment," licensed therapists would no longer have to apply for police permits, which require fingerprinting and background checks.

Many cities — including Culver City, West Hollywood and Glendale — promptly began requiring those applying to open massage parlors to show their state certification.

But Los Angeles failed to do so, instead asking applicants only to state if they were certified, not to show proof, according to Officer William Jones, who is in charge of the Los Angeles Police Commission's permit processing section.

As a result, it became an easy place for erotic massage parlors to set up shop.

Ahmos Netanel, who heads the California Massage Therapy Council, a nonprofit set up by the state in the massage certification bill, said L.A. should rewrite its code.

"My understanding is that the city has basically stopped regulating," Netanel said. "We have shared with them that this is unusual."

This is great! California is finally shrinking government, exactly the way that the Tea Party wants! Next up, a relaxation of those darn crack statutes. They're slowin' me down, man.

Finally, a Democrat Gay Sex Scandal

Massa said he had just gotten up to sing Auld Lang Syne and had finished dancing with the bride and bridesmaid -- in full view of cameras -- when he sat back down at a table with male staff members.

That's when he made the "inappropriate" remark.

"One of them looked at me and, as they would do after, I don't know, 15 gin and tonics, and goodness only knows how many bottles of champagne, a staff member made an intonation to me that maybe I should be chasing after the bridesmaid, and his points were clear and his words were far more colorful than that.

"And I grabbed the staff member sitting next to me and said, 'Well, what I really ought to be doing is fracking you,'" he said.

"And then [I] tousled the guy's hair and left, went to my room, because I knew the party was getting to a point where it wasn't right for me to be there. Now was that inappropriate of me? Absolutely. Am I guilty? Yes."

But Massa said the staff member "never said to me that he felt uncomfortable" and "never went to anybody."

Rather, he said "somebody went to another staff member who was uncomfortable for him. It was a third-party political correctness statement."

Hey he's retiring for unelated health reasons anyway. Also, mitigating factor:

"I'm sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird, and here comes Rahm Emanuel, not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me because I wasn't gonna vote for the president's budget," Massa said. "Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man? ... It's ridiculous."

He continued, "By the way, what the heck is he doing in the congressional gym? He goes there to intimidate members of Congress."

There, THAT'S the Rahm Emanuel that we were promised. That's the bad cop to Obama's good cop. Go get 'em, Jaws!

Pity That You Can't Ask, Shame That He Can't Tell

Here's my thinking... if you're homophobic at all, and you're showering with a roomful of strangers, wouldn't you rather be able to know which ones are the homosexuals? I mean, as far as you know now, they ALL are. And this is good for unit cohesion?

Liberals Find Something Else to Blame on Bush

Teenage pregnancies and syphilis have risen sharply among a generation of American school girls who were urged to avoid sex before marriage under George Bush's evangelically-driven education policy, according to a new report by the US's major public health body.

In a report that will surprise few of Bush's critics on the issue, the Centres for Disease Control says years of falling rates of teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted disease infections under previous administrations were reversed or stalled in the Bush years. According to the CDC, birth rates among teenagers aged 15 or older had been in decline since 1991 but are up sharply in more than half of American states since 2005. The study also revealed that the number of teenage females with syphilis has risen by nearly half after a significant decrease while a two-decade fall in the gonorrhea infection rate is being reversed. The number of Aids cases in adolescent boys has nearly doubled.

-The Guardian

As though teens would react this way toward abstinence programs and a campaign to limit access to condoms. Everybody knows that if you tell a teenager not to have sex, they'll obey you without question! Besides, Bush TRIED to slow down teen pregancy rates.

Let He Who Is Most Familiar With Sin Cast The First Stone

ABC News posts a helpful and entertaining guide to politicians who condemned Bill Clinton for his extra-marital activities while shrugging off their own. Mark Sanford makes the list, as does John Edwards and the usual suspects. My favorite quote: In his 2007 memoirs, DeLay, R-Texas, revealed a secret: he had had an extramarital affair that pre-dated Clinton's impeachment. He saw no hypocrisy, however. "I was no longer committing adultery by that time, the impeachment trial. There's a big difference."

The Good News About Mark Sanford

Hey, it wasn't a male prostitute. Same goes for John Ensign; image-wise, you guys are stepping way up from the Larry Craig/Ted Haggard era. And it certainly helps that sanctity of marriage argument when you're seen as cheating on your wives with women, rather then men.

BWAH HAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!

Sorry, just let me have my fun.

Listen, you probably weren't listening but when the Clinton impeachment was going on. But I'd frequently pose the plaintive question, "are you SURE you want to pin your whole strategy on this?" Because there is a potential downside to demonizing politicians' infidelity. It's as if the guy calling the shots was either not a politician, never had sex, or both.

Grover Norquist must be quite a guy.

BWAH HAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!

Sorry.

Mean Homosexuals

This is why the right may not be ready to lead again yet: faced with ridicule of the Tea Party event, they whine about how the media is making fun of them. Someone in the party has decided that tagging their event with a common sexual innuendo was a winner, because they could claim to be the victims of those mean homosexuals who take the bait. And the base will buy it, because they feel like victims of mean homosexuals. And EVERYONE! Even when they were in charge.

To the rest of the country, there's a kind of a disconnect there. Everybody knows the homosexuals aren't mean, they're just annoying. When do you ever hear of, say, a bunch of Homosexuals jumping into the back of a pickup truck and driving around looking for straights to kick the crap out of? Maybe it happens all the time and the liberal media isn't reporting it. I bet everyone in the straight community knows at least one person who was beaten for his sexual orientation. Right?

I've been cagey about my own sexual orientation on this blog because, frankly, it pisses me off that it might even matter to anyone. I am just as God made me! That is, if I believed in a God, I'd be just as that.

I'm Not 100% Down With Nadya Suleman

First of all, the idea that I'm even weighing in on Octo-Mom is creeping me out. What do I care? I have no right to tell a woman how many kids she should have. I myself have none, so I'm taking up some of the slack for her I guess. Leave Nadya alone!

Having said that, allow me to contradict myself.

A single unemployed woman should probably cap her mothering impulses a little earlier than at 14 children. Often corporate sponsors step in with multiple births to provide goods and services, but there's certainly no guarantee. How the hell is she going to pay for everything? One worries. There are diapers and shelter and of course, like in any livestock situation, the possibility of epidemics if one kid gets sick.

And one person raising fourteen children can't be the optimal ratio. She could be married, or get a couple of lesbians to move in. Whatever. Those kids need more parents.

There's been a lot of right-wing chatter about this (and left-wing chatter as well). The right wing seems to favor Nadya's position, and given that it will almost inevitably result in welfare and medicare claims I was a little mystified by this. Then it occurred to me: not only did Nadya choose to not have an abortion, but since the birth was the result of in-vitero fertilization, she didn't even have sex! I think that last one is the think that makes her a hero. Plus if I'm not mistaken, she's an ultra-fertile white woman, so John Gibson can say she's doing her part to keep the other guys from taking over.

We ARE Listening, Now Shut Up

I've been hearing a lot of whining from Congressional Republicans that they're not being allowed to participate in the lawmaking process by those mean Democrats. Here's a sign that perhaps they're mistaken.

WASHINGTON (AP) — House Democrats are likely to jettison family planning funds for the low-income from an $825 billion economic stimulus bill, officials said late Monday, following a personal appeal from President Barack Obama at a time the administration is courting Republican critics of the legislation.

Several officials said a final decision was expected on Tuesday, coinciding with Obama's scheduled visit to the Capitol for separate meetings with House and Senate Republicans.

...Under the provision, states no longer would be required to obtain federal permission to offer family planning services — including contraceptives — under Medicaid, the health program for the low-income.

..."How you can spend hundreds of millions of dollars on contraceptives how does that stimulate the economy?" House Republican Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio said on Friday after congressional leaders met with Obama at the White House. "You can go through a whole host of issues that have nothing to do with growing jobs in America and helping people keep their jobs."

Mr. Boehner's point is well taken, that this legislation doesn't belong in the stimulus package. However, it belongs somewhere. If you want to shrink government spending, it's just a fact that contraceptives cost less than poor people. Since they most likely won't buy them on their own, it behooves us as a nation to pass them out.

The acceptable alternative from a Republican standpoint is abstinence education, but that's not exactly 100% effective with the teens. It's a lot like locking cocaine addicts in a meth lab and telling them all they have to do is not touch the cocaine. So by itself, abstinence education just results in more kids on welfare. So let's eliminate welfare! That will stop poor people from breeding!

No it won't. It's just make America better resemble a third world country. If you like flies, let the poor fend for themselves.

Getting back to the stimulus package: enough with the tax cuts! We've had plenty of tax cuts over the last 8 years and I don't know if you've looked at the economy lately, but it doesn't seem to have helped much. Besides a third of the package IS tax cuts. That's probably as bipartisan as we need to be this month.

Let's Outlaw Ann Coulter!

Okay, here's why "the will of the people" is not a terrific reason to let Prop 8 stand. I'll start with often overlooked fact - gay people are, in fact, people. People who would like the option of getting married. The fact that there are more people who were fooled into thinking that this would somehow lead to bestiality or the end of civilization is beside the point. They were granted the right to marry because California's constitution, as written, already gave them that right.

(By the way, in the several countries where Gay Marriage is allowed: no rise in bestiality, civilization still thrives. In fact, there isn't even more homosexuality! There is, however, a decrease in gay promiscuity. What's the opposite of a slippery slope? Gay Marriage is a sticky plain.)

I don't like the idea that a larger segment of the population can bully a smaller segment; and as a white guy I can say that by 2050 I'll probably be in the minority in this country. Certainly in California. What if someone convinces the majority of voters that white people can't be trusted to hold public office? It's illegal to ban us from being mayor, but if we amend the constitution to say it ISN'T illegal, well, no more Mayor Chad Smith.

I have decided that doggy style is a bad sexual position - let's outlaw that. Unenforceable? Not if we allow bedroom surveillance. Illegal? Doesn't have to be.

Hey, I like Obama as president. Let's amend the constitution so that he can serve 8 consecutive terms! He's pretty popular; I bet I can find enough people to get it on the ballot.

People are the worst people to put constitutional amendments into the hands of. The constitution is like the motherboard of a democracy - you want a trained geek (let's call them "judges") to upgrade it, not your brother-in-law who doesn't even own a computer but who thinks it would be cool if one could light up when you press the escape key.

It's NOT a Pattern! It's Not A Pattern At All!

JEFFERSON CITY -- Missouri state Rep. Scott Muschany, R-Frontenac, was indicted today in connection with a reported sexual assault of a 14-year-old girl on May 17, the day after this year’s Legislative session ended... In 2006, Muschany was a co-sponsor of legislation that toughened sex offender laws. 

Look, at least this one was a girl. 

No Sex Please, We're Republicans

I have been wondering today... What is the Republican position on who gets to have sex? It's a legitimate question, given how much of the party platform is devoted to sexual issues. Perhaps the best way to reach a conclusion is through deduction -- eliminate all those who should NOT be allowed to have sex and work out from there. We'll know who is allowed by the climax of this post.

TEENAGERS. There is no clearer stop sign than the one this administration puts between a guy and his prom date. Record amounts of government money are being spent to discourage teens from having sex. Not to discourage teen pregnancy - if that were the goal they'd take the easy route and promote birth control. And given the clear opposition to abortions, the position taken to avoid kids having kids is to insist on no kids having sex. And maybe this isn't so bad - sex has consequences and young people don't have the wisdom to handle them.

While I'm at it, I want to point out that since the battle to confirm Jocelyn Elders as Surgeon General, it's pretty obvious that masturbation is out of the question as well. When I'm saying no sex, I'm saying no orgasms.

HOMOSEXUALS. Laws making hate crimes more severe than regular crimes, because it unfairly singles out a group for extra protection, are bad. On the other hand, a constitutional amendment forbidding members of the same sex to marry are good, because while it singles out a group, it preserves marriage. Since you have to assume that Republicans won't suddenly endorse out-of-wedlock sex to make things easier for TEH GAY, we'll have to cross Adam and Steve off the list. Remember, no orgasms either. Ever.

POOR FOLK. The SCHIP debate has been quite an eye-opener. A couple of days ago, Mark Hemingway in the National Review suggested that it was irresponsible for the parents of Bethany Wilkerson to even have a child because they couldn't afford the insurance. Does that mean the Wilkersons shouldn't have had sex? After all they were married heterosexuals. But they shouldn't use birth control, and the only sure way to prevent pregnancy is abstinence.

Since the debate last week about Graeme Frost centered around a family who makes $70k a year, let's put that as the dividing line. If your household makes more than that, and you meet the other requirements, go at it like rabbits.

NICK NOLTE. I'm out on a limb with this one, I know. But the other day popular conservative blogger Madeline's Dad suggested it was irresponsible of a man of 65 to sire a child. Do all Republicans think this? Well, it's a pretty common sense argument; and it has the virtue of preventing further progeny from both Hugh Heffner AND Rupert Murdoch. I'll give the right benefit of the doubt and assume they're with me on this one. So instead let's make it:

ALL PEOPLE OVER 60.

At this point you can imagine a hilarious pie chart in which a little over half the population of the US is not supposed to ever have... connubial release. But I can't make that chart because I have no idea how much overlap there is between groups. How many seniors are Homosexuals? How many teens are low-income? It's a great idea for a visual gag but I can't back it up. Fortunately for comedy, there is this graph from Wikipedia:

It breaks down the population by income level. Let's say the cutoff point is $75k which should take care of the overlap. According to Republicans, only 21.6% of Americans should be allowed to have orgasms.

Sounds a little harsh? They're doing you a favor pal. What better motivation could there be to climb income brackets? See? The Republicans are all about giving a hand to the underprivileged, helping people help themselves. Though as with the Jocelyn Elders situation, they really would rather you didn't help yourself in that way.