Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Night Of The Living Dems

Again, I get my best ideas from WHERE ARE MY KEYS, a rightwing blog on Townhall.com. Yesterday they posted a link to this article, which cites a study that suggests that dead registered voters tend to be Democrats in a 4-1 ratio. "Perhaps this is why Democrats oppose voter registration cards" the blog snarked. I replied thus:
Democrats oppose the cards because they cost money - they literally force the poor to pay to vote. Hmmmmm, who do the poor generally vote for?
As far as the zombie voting block goes, you probably shouldn't worry about them. It's a pretty small number according to the article, which cites a study performed by the publisher of the article. 77,000 out of 11.7 million! Assuming the ratios are correct, a fifth of that number (about 15,400) will shamble into the the polling place, vote Republican, and eat the brains of volunteers.
The zombie Democrats will take up the slack for black voters who are denied access due to clerical errors, or shortages of polling machines. And don't forget that many zombies this year will be voting on unreliable Diebold machines, which tend to make errors favoring Republican candidates.
Finally that ratio - it doesn't indicate voter fraud, it indicates the registered Democratic dead vs Republican dead, because the numbers were taken from a New York sampling. Registered dead voters in the midwest will skew Republican. In fact, the article states that no incidents of fraud were found in the course of their research. Don't fear the dead. Fear Joe Lieberman. He's crushing your Republican candidate in Vermont!

Monday, October 30, 2006

An American Halloween Tail

This weekend provided an unexpected glimpse into what horror movies are all about. Part of the story involves a plumbing emergency.
About a week ago today one of our toilets started backing up, again. We called a plumbing company, big, name brand, and arranged to have some guys show up on Saturday. We knew it was going to cost at least $800 and probably $2000, because there would be digging involved.
So Saturday morning, about 3 hours late, we got a call from the dispatcher asking if we wouldn't mind rescheduling on Sunday. We insisted that we would, in fact, mind. And an hour later (or half an hour after they said) a couple of men arrived. One scrambled on the roof, to operate the endoscopy camera. It's not really an endoscopy but the term is descriptive enough.
No, it's not scary yet.
So we locked the dogs in our pool area, to keep them from annoying the plumbers and escaping through the side gate.
After a few hours the plumbers told us they were going to have to saw through the concrete outside our bedroom, dig a hole and cut into the pipe, and install a clear-out access point. They would come out at nine on Sunday. It would probably cost 2k.
Still not the scary part. Don't worry, it's coming.
So about 10:45am, the plumbers arrived and started jackhammering our back yard. The dogs, locked in the pool area, were circling around the pool, barking at the neighbors, the usual stuff. Lobo, the dumb-as-a-post shepherd, started digging under the shrubs abutting the garage.
The plumbers stopped. We have a three-inch pipe, not the four-inch that they thought, and they'd need different tools. They'd go to the shop, pick them up (if they were there) and finish up later that day.
Here it comes.
While the plumbers were gone, we let the dogs out from the pool area, and lobo immediately started digging into a hole under the pool steps. It was apparently connected to the hole on the other side of the fence that he had been working earlier. I started hearing little squeals. Lobo kept thrusting his paw deep into the hole.
It was then that I noticed a cute, pink little baby mouse, screaming his tiny pointy head off; wriggling in the dirt just under Lobo. But only for a second, because in the next instant the mouse was trapped within Dogulous' powerful jaws. Still screaming like David "Al" Hedison in THE FLY.
Ellen came out the back door and I managed to divert her attention before she saw Dogulous with a tail and a leg wiggling around the front of her mouth. And before the next little baby mouse met the exact same fate. And the third. It appears that Lobo was pulling them out of the nest and Dogulous was taking care of the spoils. The Living Spoils.
It was like a miniature Darfur.
Look, I know this kind of thing goes on all the time in the back yard, usually at night. I just haven't ever been around to SEE it. Now I can't look Dogulous in her big brown eyes without seeing that tail whipping around, just before sliding down her throat, where the hapless mouse will meet his brothers and sisters just before stomach acids mercifully end their brief marsupial lives. I tell ya, I'm going to need therapy.
Oh, and reportedly the plumbers are finishing up the job this afternoon.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Weird Medicine

A little further down, more thoughts about Rush Limbaugh and Michael J. Fox, the phony twitching Democrat.

But first, Scott "Dilbert" Adams news. Adams' blog yesterday was about his recovering the ability to speak. About 18 months ago he had succumbed to a rare brain disorder which blocks speech. In Adams' case, he was unable to form words in normal conversation, though he was able to speak publicly. In fact, he was refusing a treatment which would have made it possible to talk to his family because it would have weakened his voice on the lecture circuit. Personally, I'd make that trade in a heartbeat.

Adams discovered out of the blue two days ago that while he couldn't form a sentence out loud, he could RHYME one. And after a few hours of repeating rhymes, he found he was able to talk normally again.

I've heard of "word salad", a condition where you have a real sentence in your head but it comes out of your mouth as complete gibberish - boring fan wilco danish Hilton! But this one is new to me. Anyway, I'm glad you're better Scott.

Back to Limbaugh. He's retracted his original remarks because too many dittoheads called to tell him that Fox IS like that all the time. But what I'm wondering is why was it an issue in the first place? I mean, say you have a debilitating disease. You go on the air and campaign for the candidate who promises to aid the cure of your disease. What the hell difference does it make if you LOOK like you have the disease? If Fox didn't have his problem, and claimed he did, THEN we could talk.

The whole stem cell research thing fascinates me. I heard a conservative talk show host last night say that embryonic stem cells are not a promising technology, and that they're not private funds because no one wants to back a loser; AND that we don't need to because Adult stem cells are extremely effective. Excuse me? Embryonic stem cells will never pay off because Adult stem cells are a miracle cure? I bet the steam engine people said the same thing about internal combustion.

By the way, I haven't read the bible... what did Jesus say against abortion? Because they keep bringing the guy up without quoting him.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

An Expected Development

Rush Limbaugh has thrown aside all pretense and is now directly making fun of cripples. It's hard to believe he can bring himself to criticize anything named Fox!

Monday, October 23, 2006

She Just Smiled, And Took Away My Vegemite Sandwich

Vegemite, the appalling vegetable paste beloved of Australians, has just been BANNED for import in the US. If you have a jar of Vegemite, use it sparingly because once you've put the last glop on your morning toast, that's it buddy. May I suggest gravy instead?
Vegemite contains folate, which is only allowed in breads and cereals around these parts. And while almost no one eats it in the absence of bread, that ain't the way the law is written. As far as I know, we have no particular beef with the Australians so I'm calling this one a legitimate ban.
Besides, I've had Vegemite. It's ghastly. By the way, between this and my last post about the sausage, what's up with me and food lately? I'm trying to lose a little weight for play I'm in, where I appear shirtless. I want to build up my upper body and lose fat. Damn, you know what would have been good for that? A vegetable paste. Curse you, USDA!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Per Aspera, Ad Hominum Attack

Keith Olberman, the guy who is on a news network and yet still says things critical of the Bush administration, is getting a bit of bad publicity. The ultra-respectable New York Post reports that an anonymous woman blogged her one-night stand with KO, found him lacking and ultimately had to fake her orgasm. The blog itself is password protected, so unless you know KarmaBites personally you may have to wait for her book, or subscribe to the Post.
The Post also published a story about Olberman's encounter with an anthrax-hoax letter, framing it as a "he stood on a chair and shreiked" tale. Keith Olberman is a sissy! And a dud with the chicks!
My goodness, is that Karl Rove skulking over there in the corner?
Seriously this is Klassic Karl. Every criticism must be addressed, and every valid criticism must be deflected. Effectively win a debate in the primary? Then a rumor must be spread that you have a black love child. Disagree with the conclusion that Iraq is swimming with WMDs? Leak a story that ... well, you know that one, and it's too complicated for me to go into.
This is amateur hour. This is on the level of "those pages SEDUCED Mark Foley!" and "the 9/11 commission had it in for Bush!" It's ridiculous. I'll go further. Even if it is true, so what? I don't know anyone who will be in a situation where they will get to fuck Keith Olberman, so the story means nothing to me. Let's try real debate next time, people.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Big Ol' Hunk O' Meat

Today I am in receipt of a 6-inch summer sausage. The dark red vacuum-packed meat capsule is from Abbyland, a company which somehow forces kids to offer catalog items to their parents' work colleagues in order to raise money. Yes, I bought this sausage. Under no other circumstances would I consider owning this thing, though I have to admit it looks delicious. It has been sitting in my desk drawer all day and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm blogging about it, fer chrissake.
Should I have some? No. It is 150 calories per serving, and 12 grams of fat. This lump of spiced flesh I have in front of me, it contains 6 servings. Almost a thousand calories if I were to eat it all at once. 72 grams of fat. It's 38% sodium and 12% cholesterol. It's astonishing that the thing made it from Wisconsin all the way to California without our collective psychic energy somehow stopping it. Another nail in the coffin of the sixties.
The first three ingredients listed are beef (remember, in sausage that can be any part of the cow), salt and corn syrup solids (sugar). There is a drawing of an American Eagle on the label, though the sausage does not contain eagle. Although let's face it, it just might.
I am going to slice this very thin and eat it over the course of the next year and a half, two peices at a time. If anything interesting happens I'll get back to you.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Painting the Loony Right

Following up on my last post about Homosexuality not being "curable", Skot writes: "Most "fundies" DO acknowledge some people are born homosexual."
True enough Skot. Those who don't are a tiny segment of the whole. Tiny and fascinating! For example, Dr. Gerald Schoenewolf, author of a paper called Gay Rights and Politcal Correctness: A Brief History.

When interviewed last week for this article, Schoenewolf stood by his comments on the intellectual inferiority of civil rights movement supporters. "The civil rights movement has from the beginning and today seen itself as good and others are evil, like slave owners are evil," he said.
During the interview, Schoenewolf lambasted civil rights, women's rights, and gay rights. "All such movements are destructive," he said. He also claimed the American Psychological Association, of which he is a member, "has been taken over by extremist gays."

A website that published this quote, run by the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), is now in trouble with African Americans for another great pull quote: "those (slaves) brought to America... were in many ways better off." Just like all those poor people in the Superdome! NARTH has selectively apologized for the opinions expressed in the piece, without going into the civil rights movement. Perhaps the civil rights thing just hasn't been settled yet at their office.
For the record I have no problem with organized religion, which I think does a tremendous amount of good for a great number of people. However, it has been put to some pretty terrible ends by a small number of people, and these people certainly give the whole enterprise a bad name. I'm talking to you, Jerry F. and grand inquisitor T.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Why Homosexuality Is Not A "Choice"

I don't imagine most people buy the idea put forth by the various fundie groups that you can talk people out of being homosexual. But I think it's fun to argue the point anyway.
First of all, background - there is a certain school of thought that people aren't born attracted to members of their own sex and therefore homosexuality is an irresponsible choice on their part, perhaps because they were enticed by the "homosexual agenda." I know a few homosexuals, and while they are better at putting together a wardrobe than I am, they're certainly not well-organized enough to advance an agenda.
But this argument that homosexuality is a choice, it's a crazy oversimplification which makes no sense. "Hmmmm... I'm not particularly attracted to men, but it might be fun... even though I am risking getting beaten to death by my Texas classmates. Aw what the hell, let's go for it. In fact, I'll keep a clandestine sex life going for years, just because it's such delicious fun." If these guys are such thrillseekers, why not come out of the closet?
The argument the fundies are trying to make, it seems to me, is this: no matter how much you want to sleep with members of your own sex, it's wrong and you mustn't. While this phrasing is consistent with their views, it's a very difficult position to argue from because it implies that you know how it feels. And the next thing you know, you're getting beaten to death in Texas.
And if you badly want to sleep with members of your own sex, then it's not a choice, it's a biological imperative, and fundies don't want to admit that some people are born wanting it. The refusal to admit this forces them in this ridiculous rhetorical position. But acknowledging it... well, I haven't quite worked out why that would be so bad. Basically a couple of Apostles were against man-on-man love, and the quotes got pinned to Jesus. I guess. Not my area of expertise.
It would be great for someone to shake this essay down for me. Am I wrong? How?

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Why Do I Blog, Anyway?

I was recently asked why I blog, and I'm happy to oblige with a reply. First of all, you'll notice that I framed this as a request to ME instead of it being part of a larger project in which several bloggers will participate. This should give you some idea of where this post is going.
I came to LA in the mid-eighties, to break into showbiz. I had a powerful creative urge then and I wound up writing 11 screenplays in addition to doing improv and trying a career as a video editor. After a while I decided enough was enough. I was losing money on the attempt to break in, and putting all my energy into the life I wanted instead of the real life that I had. I forswore all creative expression.
It lasted about a year.
Here's the thing about blogging - I have to write. And blogging allows me to write with a low impact on my life, while netting me a potential worldwide audience. If that audience is, in fact, half a dozen people, that's still about twice the number who read the screenplays. And if I'm not making money blogging, I'm not losing any either.
So why do I blog? It's all about me, about my needs. The great thing about having the entire globe as your potential audience pool is there are plenty of people out there who might still enjoy it. In the mid-eighties I couldn't have imagined anything this impossibly cool.

TownHall Blogger Equates Disagreement with Censorship

I just came from Townhall.com, where a conservative blogger (wish I knew his name, but he identifies himself as "Madeline's Dad") showed examples of "censorship" from the left. He cites as examples several defaced political signs, a vocal reaction to a Minuteman speech, and YouTube making people register to see an anti-Clinton video because it was flagged "inappropriate."
It creeps me out when the right tries to clamp down on speech that disagrees with them, if for no other reason than if I've got a huge paper trail of disagreeing with the right, therefore could potentially be defined as an "enemy combatant." Sure no one reads any of this crap, but there are search engines.
By the way, he just wrote another post suggesting that the coverage of the Mark Foley sex scandal being massive compared to the Harry Reid real estate scandal, is proof of media bias. Yeah, he's got a point there. I remember how all those Whitewater stories crowded Monica Lewinsky right off the front page!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Turkish Star Trek Knockoff More Fun Than DS9, God Knows

I think this is real - a Turkish knockoff of Star Trek. If it's not, well, whatever.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Republicans Are Impotent, Bill Clinton Not So Much

This is the conclusion that I reach when I reach as I hear John McCain picking up the sad l'il meme that a current disaster is the fault of Bill Clinton: This time it's the North Korean nuclear test.
Bill Clinton wrecked the economy, Bill Clinton let Osama Bin Laden escape, Bill Clinton failed to pass tough pretzel-baking laws which would have prevented the Bush pretzel-choking incident. Republicans are like Biff in BACK TO THE FUTURE, blaming George McFly for not warning him about the blind spot in the car he loaned him, causing him to crash McFly's car and spill beer all over his leisure suit.
What kind of man has six years of unprecedented power, unopposed by the other branches of government, even refusing to obey the laws he himself signs, and yet cannot take responsibility for a single thing that goes wrong on his watch? A man who cannot accomplish anything. I cannot believe that George Bush has stopped drinking, because all he needs to do is have Bill Frist say "he didn't want to drink, but his friends came over." And Michelle Malkin will blame Bill Clinton for not bringing back prohibition.
I'm just kidding. Bill Clinton is the culprit for everything that's bad. The current administration is doing a heckuva job.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Ann Coulter Weighs In

The other day, when I was musing about how Ann Coulter was going to respond to the Mark Foley scandal? Well, she says he was a Democrat all along. Coulter isn't doing a Malkin and speaking her own mind here. She's advancing a wierd Republican talking point, which was floated on Fox News on Tuesday when O'Reilly's show labeled him a Democrat in captions.
Of course, Ann isn't being literal. She's making a rhetorical point that Democrats are hypocrites about this. Look at this quote:

This is the very definition of political opportunism. If Republicans had decided to spy on Foley for sending overly friendly e-mails to pages, Democrats would have been screaming about a Republican witch-hunt against gays. But if they don't, they're enabling a sexual predator.
Which is unfortunate for Republicans, because it directly clashes with the other talking point that the Democrats knew about Foley and failed to stop him. In any event, which is worse political opportunism - the side which is accused of not outing their opponent's pedophile until just before the election, or the side which was going to keep him in office indefinitely?
BTW, I just read that Limbaugh is taking the "pages are slutty teases" tack. I'm telling you, Republican men are always the victims, aren't they?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Michelle Malkin: Republican Loose Cannon

I have misjudged Michelle Malkin - when Tony Snow and Matt Drudge stepped up to defend or minimize Foley's creepy ways, I had mused publicly that it was going to be a blast to read Malkin and Coulter on the same subject. Malkin has weighed in with surprisingly humanistic leanings:
Michelle Malkin: Discussion on Foley's IM trail
To put it simply, she's not defending Foley simply because he's Republican, which is very refreshing. She's still on the wrong side of torture and and internment camps (thinks they're FABULOUS) so I don't recommend all her views, but it's nice to know that they are her own and they don't come from the famous talking points memo.
What about you, Ann?

Monday, October 02, 2006

Drudge Says to Leave Poor Mark Foley Alone

I'll explain myself further down, but if you carry Matt Drudge's remarks on his radio show to a logical conclusion, then Monica Lewinsky is responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans and should pay millions of dollars in legal fees.
Drudge twisted himself into a veritable pretzel of rationalization this weekend to protect Mark Foley, the Republican congressman who resigned when his creepy email exchanges with teenage male pages went public. Some commentators insist the emails were just misinterpreted; some suggest that they are being released now as an unfair election-year scandal attempt, but only Drudge deflects the blame to where it belongs.

You could say "well Drudge, it's abuse of power, a congressman abusing these impressionable, young 17 year-old beasts, talking about their sex lives with a grown man, on the Internet." Because you have to remember, those of us who have seen some of the transcripts of these nasty instant messages. This was two ways, ladies and gentlemen. These kids were playing Foley for everything he was worth. Oh yeah. Oh, I haven't…they were talking about how many times they'd masturbated, how many times they'd done it with their girlfriends this weekend…all these things and these "innocent children."

Yes, that's right. It's the pages' fault. These tempting, saucy young boys took advantage of the weakness of innocent Mark Foley and seduced him, probably in an attempt to get X-Boxes.
So good news for the left! Bill Clinton is off the hook for the 9/11 attacks! If, as the recent PATH TO 9/11 movie suggested, Mr. C was distracted from the hunt for Osama Bin Laden by the Monica Lewinsky imbroglio, then surely he is not to blame. In fact, he is owed an apology. Monica Lewinsky flew those planes into those buildings. If that makes you uneasy, I'm perfectly happy to put the blame on Linda Tripp instead.
Added note: Surprising how sparingly news organizations use Mark Foley's first name in their stories - so that's why I was calling him John, all right? I kept fighting the urge to use Dennis, a character from MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN.