Friday, December 28, 2012

No Apologies

You know, I'm in a conciliatory mood here at the end of the year. My life is pretty good. I have disagreement with some Republicans about some issues, but by and large people are people. They come by their opinions honestly and are just trying to make America a better place.

So it's true I may have said some things in the last 12 months that may have offended these good people. And as they'd be quick to point out, it's wrong to offend people, especially just for the sake of offending.

On behalf of the whole Democrat party, including our President Barack Hussein Obummerz, I'd like to apologize. We should have compromised and voted for John Boehner's Plan B option in congress.  We shouldn't wage an annual war on Christmas, because America is a Christian Nation. By the way, quit making trouble you Jews!

We're sorry we opposed the election of Mitt Romney for president. That was just wrong, to force our unpopular president on the nation when everybody all loved Mitt Romney so much.

We're sorry we keep bringing up... they guy who was in the White House between Clinton and NobaMMa. Do you know, some DemocRats blame TARP and the auto bailouts and Fast and Furious on that guy?

We apologize for allowing this to happen.

We apologize for making fun of Dick Morris, who is always right.

We apologize for controlling the media. Why don't we step aside and give someone else a chance, huh?

Oh, lunch hour is over. Gotta get back to my job. Ah what the hell... I'll quit and just mooch off the job creators by filing for unemployment and demanding a phone and an Escalade. What's more, I'll insist on getting my social security instead of giving it up. I'm an American! We're America's worst nightmare!

Sorry about that.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

And You Thought It Was Because He Didn't Have One

Mitt Romney - during the campaign, did it ever seem like his heart really wasn't in the whole being president thing? Well, it probably wasn't.

More than being reticent, Romney was at first far from sold on a second presidential run. Haunted by his 2008 loss, he initially told his family he would not do it. While candidates often try to portray themselves as reluctant, Tagg insisted his father’s stance was genuine. 
“He wanted to be president less than anyone I’ve met in my life. He had no desire to . . . run,” said Tagg, who worked with his mother, Ann, to persuade his father to seek the presidency. “If he could have found someone else to take his place . . . he would have been ecstatic to step aside. He is a very private person who loves his family deeply and wants to be with them, but he has deep faith in God and he loves his country, but he doesn’t love the attention.”
Who else has Tagg Romney met, who was reluctant to run for President? Hmmm.

Anyway, that would explain THAT campaign pretty handily, right?

Friday, December 21, 2012

The First Casualty is Talking Points

In today's speech by Wayne LaPierre the trusted Frenchman proposed that schools be patrolled by armed volunteers, trained by the NRA. It caused a shockwave throughout the conservative community, because they had to weigh this idea against the idea of gun control. The volunteers won.

Why? Because.

A: Airport security is actually effective and has prevented terrorism. You might have thought from reading that a lot of the right regarded the TSA as useless but you were mistaken - a knee-jerk reaction to a single incident is just what the doctor ordered!

B: The New Black Panthers and union thugs aren't dangerous at all! As you can see from this conversation, they're just as likely to be folk who you want to give a rifle to so they can be around your kids all day.

C. Violent rhetoric leads to violence. Remember when I was all, dude, maybe back up on the "tree of liberty" talk and they were all, hey, chill, crazy people be crazy no matter what you say, yo? Turns out they don't believe that at all! It's movies and videogames and rap music that causes these shootings.

So a volunteer national army trained and financed by the NRA is the sensible solution to gun violence, and silencing the media is the only way to protect America's freedom to carry arms. It's guaranteed in the constitution!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

How Do We Prevent Another Newtown Shooting?

Well, let's start with the obvious: Glenn Beck tweeted:

Giving kids pretend iPhone cases OBVIOUSLY leads to school shootings by adults.

Mike Huckabee, on the other hand, is sure those kids were shot because God isn't allowed in schools. That's logical! Either God has no power in places where prayer isn't allowed (I wonder how he got along before language?) or even worse, GOD KILLED THOSE KIDS because he wanted to call attention to the lack of prayer. No wonder it's called "God-fearing"! I'm an atheist and right now, I'm scared s***less.

Neither of these things seems to DIRECTLY address the problem. Some of my crazy far-left lunatics are saying if there were less guns available for sale, there would be less shootings. HA! More sensible heads are prevailing; the solution is to arm the teachers duh. The violent union thug teachers must carry semi-automatics themselves. Of course, no one wants to talk about who's paying for the guns, ammo and training. NOT MY TAX DOLLARS, THAT'S FOR SURE. Let 'em buy that stuff themselves, like they do pencils and books.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Requesting Guidance From The Right

Are any of the tweets listed in this Wonkette post racist? Because you know, we liberals see racism in everything.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Politics Is Uninteresting Because It's All Over Next Week Anyway

These people with their fiscal cliff talks and plans for the coming year - come on now! Anybody who is paying attention knows that 9 days from now, the world ends! It ends before the current misbegotten session of Congress does! No matter what you're up to, the catch phrase that covers it: THERE AIN'T NO FUTURE IN THAT.

With that in mind, I just bought a refrigerator on credit. It delivers to my place on the 19th, and the first payment is due (haha) next month, as if there were such a thing. For two glorious days I can enjoy perfectly chilled food and significant energy savings, and then bang, aloha, I don't have to worry about it any more.

Actually it is kinda interesting to watch politics. The Republicans are arguing that they must be allowed to completely rewrite 50 years of law by the end of the year or they will take us over a fiscal cliff. Tall order, Republicans! You're bluffing of course. You'll probably say you just started on the 18th and were totally planning to be finished by December 30th.

I should talk. I promised to visit my Mom on Christmas.

Thursday, December 06, 2012

III Citadel - Everybody Wins!

Since the election there has been a lot of talk about this state or that state seceding from the United States, almost as if they didn't want to have a black guy as their boss. (I know what you're going to say, but you didn't hear that when Clinton or Carter was president) Anyway, there was this unfortunate Supreme Court decision after the civil war which kind of made that impossible. But there must be a solution! Where can people who love America but can't stand the lazy, president-loving Americans who live in it go? Hopefully, here!

The cornerstone of the Citadel is III Arms Company, an industry to support the first wave of Patriots who will become modern American Pioneers. We will build Fighting Arms and ammunition for Patriots and around us a town will begin to grow. Other revenue streams are already in the works. Our intent is to purchase at least one thousand acres, and construct a walled town of at least one square mile to withstand any potential violence from hungry, diseased Souls. Obviously the Citadel is not being built to defy any laws of the United States or the State of Idaho, or to withstand any .gov or .mil attack. Our fortifications are merely defensive for a SHTF world. 
The Citadel will have between 3,500 and 5,000 households within the walls, with a single gate permitting access. The Citadel is not to be a closed society, instead a refuge for genuine Patriots who wish to live without neighbors who are Liberals and Establishment political ideologues, open for tourists who will be welcomed into our town to visit our planned Firearms Museum, shop in our Town Center, stay in a B&B or hotel while vacationing and exploring the wonderful skiing, hunting and fishing opportunities in the area, and many other attractions we will offer.
It's like a gated community, only with more weapons. And apparently geared towards defense against government run websites like .gov or .mil.

Look, I think it's a great idea. We can't stop these people from voting but at least we can keep them in a box right? Throw some money at them. Let's make it happen.