Friday, September 30, 2011

The New Christie Minstrels

My vlog Wednesday night, about Chris Christie's expected entry into the Republican primary, drew criticism. And I was expecting some - it was a cheap shot about how awful all the other Republican candidates are, and how Christie's weight made him a terrible choice for President of the United States. I'd expect people to rise in the defense of the slate of candidates and rip into me for my juvenile "comedy" argument, making fun of a fat man without even taking the trouble to enumerate his positions on the issues.

Interestingly, this is not the approach that my (limited) readership took.

Rather than address my points, they chose to tacitly agree with them and point out that I, too, am too unattractive to run for president. In fact, if I'm misreading their arguments correctly, I have no right to criticize Christie because I am as fat as he is. I'm a little taken aback by that notion - the man doesn't look like he's 155 pounds to me.

But I'm biased. Maybe he is the same weight as I am, which begs the question: is America ready for a president who's only 4'3" tall?

Anyway, even though they wouldn't address my points directly (or even tell me that they HAD failed to address them) it's nice to know that I and my 'bagger friends agree that there are no electable Republicans running right now. And none on the horizon. They'll find their shining star like they did last time - three weeks before the election.

Actually three weeks is a little too much exposure - expect the real nominee to emerge around noon on Election Day.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Welcome Chris Christie

Frequent Debates Raising Awareness of Republican Candidates

Yes indeed, the RNC was wise to schedule so many debates with all the Republican candidates.


And even wiser to have them so early!

Candidate for Next Government Shutdown Issue

You know why this happened?

Too much regulation. If we'd just stop insisting that companies use public lands with an eye toward safety, we'd all be better off! I bet you could save a couple of bucks a month on natural gas for starters. And you'd need it, to put toward property insurance.

The Power Of Positive Thinking is Nil

Gov. Nikki Haley wants state workers to answer their phones, saying, “It’s a great day in South Carolina. How can I help you?”

Tuesday, Haley instructed the directors of Cabinet agencies, which report to her, to change the way their employees answer the phones. Haley said the change will boost the morale of state workers, remind them they work for the callers on the other end of the line and help her sell the state to employers.

...However, Dick Harpootlian, chairman of the S.C. Democratic Party, said Haley’s approach is silly. “She believes that if you say the lie enough, people may begin to believe it. But we know the state is in the toilet,” Harpootlian said, referring to the state’s 11.1 percent unemployment rate, the fourth-highest rate in the nation.
To be fair, it's a way to fix all the state's problems without paying a dime. It's worked before! Claiming that there is no longer any racism in America has completely eliminated the need for Affirmative Action quotas. Rick Perry's innovative climate initiatives (to solve a drought he held a state-wide prayer meeting to entreat God for rain) prevented having to pay money to help farmers. Saying there were WMDs in Iraq made the country dangerous enough to invade! See? And all for free.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Occupy Wall Street, Or Whatever

Hey, did you know this was going on? Probably not. After all, a few thousand people is hardly a thing worth covering. It doesn't DESERVE national attention. A protest that small is obviously the work of a tiny, insignificant minority.

People who shouldn't be influencing the policy of the whole nation.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Oh, THAT'S The Tea Party Agenda!

Michelle Bachmann, the Tea Party's most articulate spokesperson now that Sarah Palin has dropped out of the race (Yes she has. Don't argue with me.) has finally put it out there, the crazy underlying code that explains their weirdo behavior.

"So we don’t have to go to the side, we don’t have to sit on the back of the bus in this election."  (italics mine)

The Tea Party sees itself either as the negroes of 2011, marginalized, brutalized, ignored by society; OR more likely they resent the fact that the Negroes were given special laws and quotas and this is their way to call attention to the horrible injustice of it. This is why they coined the term "teabagger" and then shrieked at you if YOU used it. Sounds like that other word with the double G in the middle, right? Get it?

If so when will they stop? Probably when the Negroes are put back in their place, and things go back to the way they were in the fifties. Life was great in the fifties! Then, a negro rose on the basis of his merit! If very few of them rose, well, there's obviously a reason for that, right?

They wouldn't even have brought it up if a common street negro hadn't been elected President.

As usual in posts of this kind, I'm looking forward to the commenters proving me wrong. Because honestly, I hope I am.

A Thing In The Woods

 Just a little somethin' for the people I once argued with who don't think their side demonizes opponents.

At Last, It's Safe To Boo Active Duty Service Men

Before DADT was repealed, you never knew which were the gay ones. You might boo a straight active-duty serviceman by mistake!

Kudos to Santorum for pointing out that sex has no place in the military. Any kind of sex. If you are in the Army, thinking about women, you should GET THE HELL OUT NOW.

And Note, She Still Doesn't Answer It

You shouldn't have to pay any taxes!  But you need to pay some taxes. But Obama is for taxes, so no taxes! But you need to pay some taxes.

Hey, why did Fox News make her look like she has crazy eyes?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Nothing Infuriates Fox More than Any Random Thing

If the 2008 financial crisis caused the nation to tighten its belt, the Justice Department didn’t get the memo.

The federal agency spent about $490,000 on food and beverages at 10 conferences, including $16 apiece for muffins, more than a dollar an ounce for coffee and $32 per person on snacks, according to a new report from the Justice Department’s inspector general.

The half-a-million-dollar tab represented more than 10 percent of the $4.4 million total cost of the events that were held between October 2007 and September 2009.
Wow, the Fox news guys are pretty worked up about this! I can't remember when I've seen them so worked up about something! Oh wait, yes I can.

Quote Of The Day, Only You Can Prevent Edition

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke with his unenviable job of trying to save the crumbling American economy with interest rate tweaks and twists is sort of like a firefighter standing before a Texas wildfire who gets to shoot at it with a water pistol while everyone yells at him about the size and type of his water pistol. The GOP leadership, on the other hand, is more like a different firefighter who stands a little further away and fires torpedoes into the blaze in the hopes that he will be elected winner of the smoldering remains after his colleagues have been burned alive.
-Kristen Boyd Johnson, Wonkette

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

If Buffett Can Do It So Can You Pal

Tree Of Liberty

OMG! Bringing the rich's taxes back up is CLASS WARFARE!

That seems a little extreme to most of us, but not to a handful of crazies with Glochs. Once you start throwing that kind of rhetoric around, well, there's no way of telling how those people will react. Probably a handful of them will attempt to kill some Democrats, and probably the pundits will claim that they themselves were Democrats.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Breitbart Calls For Pre-Emptive Killing of Liberals

Hey, he comes right out and says he's not kidding. It seems a little harsh, shooting people because they are going to insult you. I suppose you could call it overkill.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Crazy-Eyes Thing Still Goin' Strong

Poor Michele Bachmann can't win! First bloggers make her look bad by circulating pictures that make her eyes look crazy. Then Newsweek does the same thing, putting a crazy-eyes picture on the cover.

Now her own publisher turns against her by using pictures that Michele Bachmann naively approved, that make her eyes look crazy. What's next? Public appearances where the stage lighting make her look like some crazy-eyed person. Is EVERYBODY trying to make Michele Bachmann look crazy?

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Ron Paul Is No Hypocrite

That clip I ran yesterday, in which Ron Paul said that it's not his responsibility to care for the uninsured, was based on a hypothetical guy. Let's take a look at a real one!

Back in 2008, Kent Snyder — Paul's former campaign chairman — died of complications from pneumonia. Like the man in Blitzer's example, the 49-year-old Snyder was relatively young and seemingly healthy when the illness struck. He was also uninsured. When he died on June 26, 2008, two weeks after Paul withdrew his first bid for the presidency, his hospital costs amounted to $400,000. The bill was handed to Snyder's surviving mother, who was incapable of paying. Friends launched a website to solicit donations.
Charity fell short in this case, by about 9/10s of what was needed. If Paul seems a little more troubled in the clip than your typical Tea Party candidate, that's probably why; the question wasn't hypothetical at all. Tentative props to Wolf Blitzer for bringing it up.

I know that bad things happen to good people, and no system is perfect, but we're the only Western nation in which this guy couldn't receive care. On the whole, Germany's economy or France's or England's is no worse off than ours is, and they manage to provide medical care for everybody. When you're figuring death panels into your policy decisions, keep in mind that one hero of the Right is absolutely okay with trimming you from the herd.

Quote of the Day, Priorities Edition

"I am not positive that Gohmert is serious about this particular bill. It may be more of a finger in Obama’s eye because he was so incompetent as not to have introduced his own bill... What ever Gohmert’s real intentions, it is delicious political theater, regardless.
- Warner Todd Huston, Publius' Forum

Yeah, thanks for the delicious political theatre boys! Hey, I know it's hard to produce top-drawer entertainment when you're distracted but I wonder if maybe you could put someone to work on reducing unemployment and preventing a recession. I know that's not what we elected you for but it's just... there are so many of you and you can probably spare someone. As it is, you're asking the President to take up the slack and WRITE YOUR BILLS FOR YOU.

The War On Objects

Look, we know Americans want the government to do something about jobs, and they will! As soon as the Republicans stop the other things that threaten our way of life: Tire Guages, CFC light bulbs, teleprompters, and now paper clips.

Quit laughing, this is IMPORTANT. If George Bush were running the country this report would have been printed on gold leaf and bound with the finest silk, woven by a thousand virgins worms. And the plan would have been cut taxes and go to war with Iran.

Reagan would never have used paper clips or teleprompters!!!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

There Is No Tea Party, So There Was No Debate Last Night

Though if there WAS a Tea Party, hypothetically they would drive by you as you lay bleeding in a ditch.

Because you were, you know, too stupid to avoid an accident.

Meanwhile, how are those Tea Party policies playing in America? Let's just say swell, shall we? Americans love the refusal to govern, and they don't want Government meddling in unemployment. Yeah, let's say that.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Power to Me!

I don't know how it happened, but I'm thrilled to report that my portion of Southern California HAS power,  Other's don't!

As I write this I'm using my big screen TV as a monitor while air conditioning AND a fan blasts me with coolness. I have a couple of Omaha Steaks Filet Mignons in the freezer, and for kicks I'm running one of those Van De Graaf generators with a Jacob's Ladder zzzzzzzt zzzzzzzzt zzzzzzzzt things buzzing away in the corner.

Look, lay off, it helps me sleep.

They Could Have Had This AND The President's Speech

Ironically, Reagan signed several tax increases into law. True story!

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Rick Perry Panics, Gets Off Message

From today's Austin-American Statesman:

Three days after fires started to burn in Central Texas, Gov. Rick Perry today expressed frustration that federal firefighting support, including equipment from Fort Hood, has yet to make its way to the firefighters. Perry said the firefighters could use heavy equipment such as bulldozers to clear fire breaks. “It’s more difficult than it should be,”he said. “When you have people hurting, when lives are in danger, I don’t care who owns the asset.”
Rick! Can I call you Rick? Rick, you'll get your federal aid as soon as we decide what federal programs to cut to offset the cost. What about this don't you understand? In the meantime, use your own fire department. Those guys are equipped to -- what? You did WHAT? Well all right then. Your problem isn't that you can't fight the fires, it's that you're not willing to gracefully give up the stuff that's burning. Stop complaining and start making plans for your charred earth. Hope local businesses aren't hurt! They say immolation is bad for employment.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Good On Ya, Sarah Palin

Meanwhile, former beauty queen and occaisional Fox News contributor Sarah Palin shows remarkable restraint by not commenting about Eric Golub's comments over the weekend. He compares Trig, her "special needs child" to stupid America-hating terrorist sympathizers for a laugh, and she allows it. Why? Because free speech is more important to Sarah Palin than the honor of her family.

Tea Party Just Kidding This Time

The Tea Party Express has called on President Obama to “condemn this inappropriate and uncivil rhetoric,” saying it “has no place in the public forum.”
“Jimmy Hoffa’s remarks are inexcusable and amount to a call for violence on peaceful tea party members, which include many Teamster members,” Tea Party Express chair Amy Kremer said in a written statement.

Of course, they don't mean it, because if the government criticizes uncivil rhetoric, it's ABRIDGING FREE SPEECH. So Amy Kremer is only kidding folks. Ignore her.

Oh, I almost forgot to include what Hoffa said, speaking before President Obama at a Labor Day rally yesterday. Not that it matters.
We got to keep an eye on the battle that we face: The war on workers. And you see it everywhere, it is the Tea Party. President Obama, this is your army...We are ready to march. Let’s take these sons of bitches out and give America back to an America where we belong.

Friday, September 02, 2011

Running It Up The Flagpole is All

Now this is an interesting idea!

Doesn't go far enough though. Sure the poor vote in their own self interest, but what about the middle class! They do too, and there's a lot more of them! Allowing the poor and middle class to vote is un-American!

Thursday, September 01, 2011

The Final Solution

Yep, that's it right there, my Roomba. I turned the thing on before I left and it was crawling around for an hour or so, ample time to nudge a very light timer all over everything. I was just lucky it didn't wind up under the bed!

I suppose if there's any moral to take away from this incident, it's this: If I guy comes up to you on the street tells you that robots are hiding his know what, just get away from him. Your first impression is usually right.

Mystery Part 3 - One Final Clue!

Look, I'm sorry it isn't a more compelling mystery you guys. By "you guys" I mean YOU Karen!

Anyway, you can conclude this from what I said: the timer fell off its magnet to the floor, and something moved it around the apartment, leaving it to rest 20 feet away. If you're into this stuff, you've already figured it's a gadget of some kind, because I love them so much. And it's a gadget I didn't mention in the paragraph about my gadgets, because I already told you that I didn't tell you enough.

So your job now is to consider what kind of machine does that.

Mystery Part 2

See the last post, to which this is the continuance.

You probably haven't found my Chinese Cooking Timer yet, because I haven't given you enough data. If you have been to my place you might have figured it out but otherwise no.

Recall that I said there was an important clue in the second paragraph: this will rule out pets. I don't have a dog or cat (or lorakeet or monkey, like my neighbors - oh wait, that's a teenager) and didn't allude to any such thing in the paragraph. More clues? Okay, here's one. It's where I found the timer.

Apologies for bad photography - the timer is face down in the living room, by the front door, around 20 feet away. Interestingly, it could have been on the floor ANYWHERE IN THE APARTMENT.

More soon.

Me and My First World Problems: A Mini-Mystery

I ran into a problem tonight that was interesting, in the sense that everything about it wouldn't have been possible when I was growing up and what's more, it couldn't happen to people much poorer than I am. And I'm not exactly rich, people!

You need to know this before I start - I loves me some gadgets. I live alone but I own two computers and a big-screen TV with a 240 mhz frame rate, because I can't tolerate 60 frames a second. If I felt like it, I could be watching that TV now as my second monitor. I have a GPS in a car and a digital speedometer on my bike. The pictures that I illustrate this with were taken with my iPhone. Only one phrase in this whole paragraph is a clue to the mystery that follows.

A few weeks back I ordered up a Digital Cooking Timer from eBay. It's Chinese and it would have cost me a dollar if it wasn't for shipping. It looked like this when I left for work this morning:

There it is, stuck to my freezer door with a magnet.

I came home from work and I decided to cook up an Omaha Steaks hamburger patty with some roasted potatoes I buy from Trader Joes. I was melting butter in a skillet when I moved to set the timer and I saw this:

What you're looking at there is a magnet, no longer attached to a timer. A tiny bit of adhesive facing out suggested the magnet was inadequately glued in place. My eyes went to the floor only to find... floor.

Where was my timer? I live alone, and I determined that no one had been in my apartment since I left at 8:00 am. The answer will be in my next post but I want to encourage guessing in the mean time.