Why I Haven't Comitted Suicide

And why I ain't gonna! First, apologies to anyone reading who doesn't have depressive tendencies. And further apologies to certain right wing/scientologist/hater readers who shall, by their own choice, remain nameless.

If you aren't, well, if you aren't either Skot or Anonymous, you've probably googled "suicide" which probably means that like me, you get a little blue around the holidays. I suppose I don't have seasonal affective disorder, because as Skot points out you have to live some place where there are seasons for that to be a problem. Still, my blinding hatred of Christmas surely feeds into the depression I feel around this time of the year; and visa-versa. Perhaps it's a spiral of my own making. In either event, welcome stranger. I feel your pain.

In any event, most Decembers I either go all nihilist (nothing matters!) or withdrawn (see you next Wednesday!) Bonus points for a source for that last reference; further bonus points for an explanation of it. And like a misshapen hideous elf, the thought of suicide will dance through my mind, if only for a second. C'mon, Elfie says. Wouldn't it just be so much easier? For some reason, Elfie is played by James Mason. Memo to self - bring this up at the next session, it could be important.

And every year I consider and reject the idea. This is your bullet point, your takeaway. Note it well:

• Suicide is for chumps.

Because you kill yourself based on the idea that it's always going to be this bad, and there is no hope for the future. However, you have to be at the lowest ebb of your existence to consider this; it's only logical that your life will get better. It HAS to. So you're basically denying yourself the thing that you claim you need.

It's easier for yours truly because I know that by the middle of January I'll be back to my cheerful, un-soulful self. I have seen the future, and it's NOT like living at the bottom of a dark pit. You, the unknown Googler, are going to have a harder time seeing that; please take my word.

And no matter how bad it looks now, it's going to look better. Only idiots kill themselves. I've got a lot of antipathy towards Catholicism, but at least they had the sense to make suicide a mortal sin. I think a lot of other religions do too, and this makes much more sense that threatening people with hell over breaking dietary laws.

Anyway, my tortured unknown friend, know that it is inevitable that your life will improve. And because it's inevitable, you're obligated to stick around to see it happen.

(And incidentally, I also have antipathy toward the drug companies for renaming tendencies so they sound like treatable illnesses; but if you have a bad elf in your head you might want to consider Welbutrin or Celexa or one of the dozen others. It's the lesser of two evils.)

Okay, now how about the See You Next Wednesday reference. Anyone? Skot, you can answer in private.