Monday, August 24, 2009

You've Only Got The Symptoms, You Haven't Got The Whole Disease

This post will serve as an explanation of why I didn't post on Friday, and as a splendid anecdote, and as a pitch to Larry David.

Thursday morning I got this call from my glamorous friend Alexis, who has connections. She asked me if I wanted to be on the guest list of a red carpet event at a club in Beverly Hills. I thought, I haven't gotten out much this week because I'm battling low-grade flu symptoms (minor sore throat, slight dizziness, diminished energy) and I like the club, so what the hell, I accepted.

When I got there I went straight to the bar for my usual red wine or beer. But when I got there, there was a brand spankin' new Rob Roy waiting there. A guy had ordered it, then realized what he REALLY wanted was a Roy Rogers, so the guy and the bartender offered it to me for free. Which was a hard deal to pass up, because there was no cover charge AND a free drink, right?

It was a so-so event, but I met this very interesting woman, a German singer cum* film director, and we left early for cheap Thai Food. At about 1:00am I put in my car to drive her to the Metro Station, because she's from Germany and doesn't like to drive if she can avoid it. As I'm pulling out from the restaurant, I noticed the reflection of the front of my car in the plate glass window, and I thought, I can't turn on the headlights now because it will blind those guys eating Pho noodles, so I made a mental note to turn them on when I hit the street.

Which I realized I had forgotten to do when I was stopped by police just before the freeway.

You might be ahead of me at this point - they asked me to step out of the car and ran a series of field sobriety tests on me. And my balance isn't optimal under any circumstances (I stopped trying to do Pilates because I kept falling over) but with a slight flu it was even worse. Plus the test where they have you follow a pencil with your eyes was made worse by my lazy eye. The police put the cuffs on me and I watched from the back of a black 'n' white as they called a cab for my new German friend.

(Incidentally, one of the questions they asked me during the tests was "what's in a Rob Roy"? I had to tell them honestly, I don't know. I think I heard it's not scotch, which is fascinating considering Rob Roy is the most famous Scottsman who hasn't played James Bond.)

It was 2:20 by the time they put the breathalyzer into my mouth and though they don't tell you the results, they did allow that I was remarkably un-drunk. Which is no surprise considering I hadn't had a sip of alcohol past 9:00pm. The police then put me back into the black'n'white (still in cuffs; it's policy) and drove me back to my car. I thanked them for being thorough professionals and told them as unpleasant as the whole adventure was, I'd rather they arrested me by mistake then let real drunk people drive. And I got home around 3:15, almost 5 hours past my normal bedtime.

Note to Dr. Gates - just cooperate next time!

Anyway, I'm chalking it up to a new experience and happily, my record remains clean. But Friday afternoon I was so destroyed by lack of sleep that I couldn't form thoughts even coherent enough for this blog. Yeah, I worked anyway, because I literally CAN do that job in my sleep. And probably with both hands tied behind my back, though we didn't have to explore THAT option.

Oh, and the Rob Roy? Meh. I prefer Pinot Noir.

* It's Latin! Look it up!


Publius said...

Ugh. What a nightmare evening.

My worst driving experience was when I went to Ohio from Chicago and lost 2 -- count 'em -- TWO tires. One on the way down and one on the way back. Naturally, on the way back I had no spare because I used it on the way down. And on the way down I had a locking hubcap on the thing and NO KEY to get it off. I ended up using the tire iron and spending an hour ripping the hub cap off piece by piece.

Naturally both times the tires went out I was miles from everywhere, out in the middle of farm country.

I thought I'd never get home.

Danielk said...

OMG you could have been eaten by cows!

Skot C. said...

Wow-- You're the San Fernando Valley Rodney King!

Publius said...

At least the cows wouldn't Rodney King me!