This Is How Terrorism Works

I have a sweet commute. I'm literally less than a mile and half from my job. Some mornings I ride a bike to work (12 minutes) once in a while I can even walk (half an hour); this morning I got out of the house a little late and I decided to drive (5 minutes) and grab a walk around lunch time.

But the traffic was awful. My usual westbound route was too crowded so I drove the other way, hoping to bypass all that mess. I went a couple of blocks east, then a block north, only to discover a complete standstill on the road leading to my work cul-de-sac. What's worse, there were a lot of people on foot. Now there are some serious wildfires about 15 miles west of here, so my assumption was something was burning. 

Since I wasn't moving anyway, I opened the window and asked one of the pedestrians what was going on. "Bombs!" he said. "Road's closed!" I resolved to inch forward to the next turnoff and go home. 

Now this is the interesting part.

You may recall a few weeks back I wrote an extraordinarily stupid tweet. And in response, my favorite nemesis WAMK published my name and work address. So I admit that my first thought when I heard "bomb" was to consider whether I'd brought this on the whole industrial park, and if it would be better if I just kept my mouth shut before someone gets hurt. As it turns out, the bombs (or empty pipes, no details yet) were located really far from my office and it's safe to say that it had nothing to do with me.

Still, when you boil down terrorism, it's about threatening violence so someone who is saying something you don't like will shut up.(If someone goes through with the violence it makes the papers, which means the terrorists have an ally). Threatening is  what I was doing with my tweet, and it's what WAMK did by publishing my work address. And thankfully, no one is going to shut up any time soon. So this time, the terrorists lose. But I gotta tell you, I'm really regretting that tweet right now. Free speech is best left in the hands of adults.

And You May Ask Yourself, How Did I Get Here?

Here's the kind of free time I got at work today: I just browsed my blog stats here to see what the top Google searches that led to this place were. The results may surprise you!

Entry	Pageviews
iconic objects	84
"agcode is on" "smilies are on"	41
paul snover	39
keepinitrealyo.blogspot.com	38
keeping it real blog	20
anti-cair keeping it real, yo	18
david steinberg finger	18
iconic object	18
http://27612105_ffd1db7476dbb5f6bc2c869ad564eb68454bc4bf.blogspot.com/?showtrashed=true	17
david steinberg pinky	16

I'm going to start by saying I have ABSOLUTELY NO RECOLLECTION of any writing about any of David Steinberg's digits. Still, I must have. I can explain "iconic object" as relating to this entry, the most popular of them all. It even beats my frequent postings about the Ugly Dog Contest.

Paul Snover? This guy. The agcode thing links to the only time I ever wrote the word agcode, back in 2006 when I did a post just like this. The fact that it's generating traffic is like going back in time and killing your own grandfather.

The one that really puzzles me is the URL. I searched for it and nothing came up. And who would search using a URL anyway? Inviting speculation here.

Why Yes, It Has Been A While

Ages since I've written, eh? Been busy. Had a birthday, got accepted into a play (I'm a Forest Ranger in  weirdo musical gem Little Mary Sunshine, coming in April to a theatre near me!) and perhaps most importantly, have been ground down by politics again.

It seems like everything I can say about politics is best left to twitter, because the 140 character limit nicely encapsulates "No, YOU'RE wrong."  I'm only half kidding. It's clear that nothing I do will change things, and the electorate is moving back to the middle where the founding fathers wanted it.

Also, this blog ain't bumping up the ol' Klout score, if you know what I mean. Who reads blogs? Ain't nobody, that's who. So if I'm writing here it's not because you are going to read it. Clearly, you will not. I'm writing to keep my thoughts someplace.

This is a version of an entry that I do every six months, and usually within a week I'm back to posting blog entries regular like. So, take heart or be disheartened, depending on how you lean.

S'no Big Deal

I just spent the 4 day weekend almost completely off the internet, opting instead of a Ski Condo close to Mammoth Mountain in California. I do not ski, but I hike and that seems to be enough.Once in a while I had to open up the Maps app to find Hot Creek or to settle an argument over which Bond movie had the exploding pen. But for the most part it was the least digital 4 days I've spent in a long time. Also avoided - news. So if anything had happened (it looks like nothing did) I'd have missed it.

Anyway, hiking in reduced oxygen environments is surprisingly pleasant, and I recommend it to you.

The Escape Hatch

I must admit I'm forcing myself to write today. It's so nice outside, too nice to think about politics. I've been spending a lot of time lately watching TV from other countries thanks to the internet. Most of it doesn't look like, but does FEEL, like this:



I recommend the Russian MTV to you - those guys may be freezing in abject poverty, but they know how to corral all their good looking yunguns into one place and put a camera on 'em.

So yeah, escapism in it's most extreme form. I also spent Saturday night at a Hollywood red-carpet party celebrating the Burbank Film Festival. The raven-haired one on the end is named Minna and I'll send her the pictures as SOON AS SHE GIVES ME AN EMAIL ADDRESS.

The highlight of the party for me was getting pigeonholed by this attractive, kinda-drunk Scottish nanny who kept explaining that she didn't do it for the money, but for the r-r-r-rewar-r-rd of shaping young lives. "I believe the children are the future," I told her, and she was drunk enough to totally buy it.

Anyway, this is also escapism, parties like this. And why not escape. Is anyone really excited about the coming elections? No. The best you can say is that people are hyper-annoyed that people they don't agree with are also running. For Republicans the choice is betwen Obama and the second most-hated man in politics, Romney. No one is running for anything, they're running against things which they will label as far worse. 2012 will be a dreary as anything you've seen in your lifetime. I understand the film festival is throwing another party in the summer. Man, I'm totally there.

A Loss Of Identity

Lament for me! I was jogging Sunday afternoon in Long Beach and somehow along the way, my wallet fell out of my pocket. I didn't notice until I got back to my girlfriend's place and by then, tracing our route was impossible let alone finding a black leather square on the sidewalk. And believe me, I tried.

I managed to drive the 45 miles back to my place without being stopped but dear God! How would I live? I had half a tank of gas and a refrigerator full of groceries, but no cash, no debit or credit cards and no driver's license. What's worse I had a doctor's appointment coming up on Tuesday. I couldn't give them my medical ID number and I couldn't provide my co-pay. I was doomed to slowly starve to death without medical attention. I had become a non-person.

Turns out, it's not that big a deal. I took the logical first step of making sure the wallet hadn't been turned in to the Long Beach PD, and once that was determined I set to work canceling all the credit cards that I could remember I had. Most of them I could access online; none had been used since the last time I'd whipped them out.

Then it was off to the bank to get a new debit card. I was worried about the lack of ID but as it happens, I do have a passport lying around because I was in London a couple of years back. By 3pm I had cash, a debit card and and identity. The rest is just waiting for the other cards to come in the mail, and updating all the places I have automatic payments for. Oh and buying a new wallet.

Which I can do now.

My Weirdest Purchase Lately

It's a muscle stimulator! I was in the mall over the weekend and this kiosk guy tried to talk me into buying one for $100 bucks. I thought it was cool but figured I could do better online. And yes, I did. $40, thanks for asking.

If you ever saw the Bruce Lee biopic Dragon, Lee was a devotee of such machines, though at the time they were tabletop-sized and now you can clip them on your belt. You glue electrodes to your skin over muscle groups and then electric shocks are sent to the muscles, forcing them to contract. It's just like that experiment in high school where you jolted a frog's leg and made it jerk around. No they didn't make me do it in my high school but I heard stories.

I'm using it now on my pecs and man, it's strange. My moobs are dancin'! I've also got a couple on my abs, but that's barely registering. Either I don't have them near enough to the muscles or more likely, they layers of fat are keeping the electricity from getting through.

I think probably what this will be really useful for, as far as I'm concerned, is that nagging middle-back pain that I have. A few months ago I was plagued by lower back pain, and I remembered that a cure for that is ab exercises. Sure enough, I stregnthend those muscles with daily sit-ups and the pain hasn't bothered me. Then I had shoulder pain and since I stared doing pushups, I feel great. But I don't know a good middle back (lats, right?) exercise. Besides I'm essentially lazy. I'd rather a 9-volt battery did my exercise for me while I blog. Is that so wrong? Hopefully I can find a gadget online to answer that.

Disaster Is Laughing At You

Here's the deal about life. No matter what you do, no matter how careful you are, you can be killed in a huge natural disaster or a terrorist attack. Or crime or random craziness. Just know this. Therefore don't count on being around next year - if you want to tell someone you love them or do some good in the world, do it now.

Similarly you might have a bucket list of crazy stunts and/or crimes that you have been putting off. If you envision yourself on your deathbed (or death elevator or seafront property) regretting not having done this crazy thing, you should do it now.

Karma: light and flavorful

On the other hand, you might only have a handful of nice/stupid things you want to clear off the list. What if in the next month you manage to commit all the crimes, do all the skydiving, thank all the loved ones that you have? After that, statistically, you'll probably live another bunch of decades with NOTHING OF SIGNIFICANCE LEFT TO DO. You'll find yourself counting off the days, waiting for a death that seems to never come. Or worse, maybe you believe in an afterlife in which you are punished for the sins that you got away with on Earth. That afterlife will hang over your head like the Sword of Damocles for all your living days.

Don't even get me started with the concept of Karma.

What's a person to do? My suggestion is that the Earthquake in Japan is best treated the same way you should treat all news - ignore it and just life you life the way you already were.

The Big Tease

I was so exited to see this near where I work yesterday. A new breakfast place, just across the street!

Turns out they're a company that makes signs and banners, the bastards.

They're Tryin' to Kill Me Jimmy!

Stuart Margolin as Angel, just to shore up the quote in the title

I have had a rough week. Sunday night I noticed the hot water had vanished in my apartment. No hot water! Rescue forces have replaced the heater but it's still only gradually returning to normal. I only have lukewarm water.

Meanwhile I come home last night to discover that the nerve center of my life is also down. My DSL modem has failed! ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG !!

As it happens, I have backup systems - my iPhone, the computer at work, Starbucks. I guess I have access to hot showers too, because of the gym membership, but this internet thing is driving me nuts. It's not just my computer, you know. Though that's a problem (almost everything I do on the computer hooks into the cloud somehow, and what's worse my printer is connected via Wi-Fi so I can't print) the TV and BluRay player are also internet-enabled. For some reason, my TV has decided that it's an hour later than it was a couple days ago, because it's not getting its time from a server online.

And remember, without a constant supply of new material from blogs and internet radio, my source of home amusement is television. And I DON'T HAVE CABLE. Why would I, right? Television is different than the internet. If someone says something stupid on TV, you can't answer back to them. You can't save funny screen grabs and email them to your friends. Ads show up whether you click on them or not. And without cable, it's almost impossible to find porn. I think it's pretty obvious now that Mubarak sealed his own doom when he shut down the internet in Egypt.

Someone report this whole blog to this guy, willya? I can't.

Thank God Trader Joe's is still open so I can still get Organic Kona Whole Bean Coffee. I suppose my grinder will go down next!

Happy Valentine's Day!

"Be a Valentine and get me a cup of coffee willya sweetheart?"

-(photo courtesy my old improv pal Barbara Duffy)

I have been known, in the past, to dread Valentine's Day more than any other holiday. And I'm a guy who has major isssues with Christmas, so that means something. This year, as it happens, I'm in love so it's going down pretty easy. I took the lovely LeAnne to a Stan Ridgway concert and dinner over the weekend, so the today will be a cakewalk for me. No pressure!

Still, this is a day of infamy for those with Social Anxiety Disorder, or those who are simply not in a relationship, or men. Love is one of the few things in our society that men aren't in charge of, and it freaks us out. As far as we're concerned if we could keep the whole love thing quiet we'd be a lot happier.

Still, we recognize the importance of love, and we even grudgingly approve of it. So women, be gentle with men today, and men spend a little extra at Godiva for the good stuff. You'll be glad you did.

Metaphor, Untethered to a Topic At the Moment

I just want to make sure I get this in my blog's media library, because it's just about perfect. For SOMETHING.

H/T to http://blog.rifftrax.com/

It Was Supposed to Rain On Sunday

Here I was, driving back from Sacramento on Sunday and expecting a storm, and this is what Fresno looked like.



Fresno has no business looking this good in any circumstances, but to be this way when the whole state is supposed to be drowning is just wrong. Wrong! On all levels.

More bad news - Fresno is said to be the "Raisin Capital of the World" but according to a sign I saw a few miles down the road, that distinction belongs to Selma, CA. Which means that Fresno got nothin'.

Outrageless!

Since the lame-duck session of congress hasn't started yet, I'm not finding anything especially stirring politically to write about. Maybe next week.

I suppose I could be worked up at the blatent Republican voter fraud being perpetrated this week, but the kids are off-limits and I don't watch Dancing With the Stars anyway.

So instead of politics, enjoy this fine bike now for sale. Under $250 and that includes all the grain you need to keep it fed!

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

I got outta town for the weekend, driving up the coast to loin-o-my-birth Santa Cruz to participate in the event that I tried for months to avoid: my high school reunion. I am not going to say which one. It's more than 10 years though.

Bob Anderson, Melanie Paizis, Me and a guy

My friend from High School, Bill, has the good sense to avoid these kinds of things. It's a zero-sum game after all. I mean, best case scenario is you see people you missed after a long absence, and rekindle long-neglected friendships. More frequently it's long-smoldering resentments.

I was a shy dude back at Aptos HS, who overcompensated by participating in theatre and Glee-style hijinx. I had expected few people to remember or recognize me. In fact, many more did me than I did them. I was apparently popular without knowing it.

Cathy Yednak, mine at last

I brought a date with me, and she was worried that women would be all over me. So I made it a point to have her by my side as much as possible when I talked to them. In the picture here, she is on the other side of the camera, watching very closely and I greet the girl I had a crush on in junior high. I think my date overestimates me, but I am pleased to report that very few girls found me repulsive.

Most of the people I went to school with grew up to be annoyingly well-adjusted, good-lookin' sorts. I wanted more train wrecks at the event - the homecoming queen who gained 200 pounds, the football hero who is addicted to methadone, the Moonie. Nothin'. Not only that, they're all taller than I am. (I am 5'8", the national average is 5'9", the average of my class is 6'8". This is anecdotal, of course.) So I was hoping to breeze in there and be the only one with hair and without a weight and booze problem. No dice, jack! Wayyyy to much of that kind of thing, if you ask me. I resent my class for not making me look good.

Maybe I'll have better luck in 10 years. Hope springs eternal!

I'm Not Sure Why, But This Makes Me Feel Better

Who Reads This Crap?

Thanks to the good folks at Blogger, I can tell you where they're from this week.

United States 89
Netherlands 39
Algeria 18
Belarus 12
Singapore 4
Canada 3
United Kingdom 3
Sri Lanka 3
Hungary 2
India 2

Putting aside the paltry numbers, I gotta question for you guys - what possible interest could someone in the Netherlands have in American politics? Seriously, drop me a line at danielkr@darkmeat.name, because I'm completely mystified. Similarly you guys in Belarus and Singapore. I'm stumped.

Get Well, Glenn Beck

Dude has medical trouble. I sincerely hope it's temporary and not painful. I disagree with the man's opinions, the man himself I got no problem with.

I Have A Dream - A Really Scary Dream

There's no way I'm attending Glenn Beck's MLK-themed rally this weekend, unless I'm sleepwalking. Still I'm glad he's having it, because it throws the racial terror of conservatives into an especially sharp relief.

Much has been made of the fact that Martin Luther King's niece Aveda King is speaking at the event. I found it telling that a caller to Stephanie Miller's show yesterday thought she was called Coretta Scott King. They all look alike? Close enough? We report, you decide.

Just a reminder that Glenn Beck is so frightened of the black man that he thinks six of them can sway an election, and he fears a black dance troupe as if they were a private army. If there are white men at the rally with rifles, the right will consider them to be exercising their constitutional rights; if black men have clubs, they'll be wrestled to the ground and taken away.

Well, here's hoping for a best-case scenario - no politics (as promised) no hate speech, and a Martin Luther King like message of acceptance and brotherhood. Anyone takin' bets?

(By the way, about those sleep disorders - I actually had #2 once and it wasn't scary. It was hot.)

Schroedinger's Pineapple

Been in the break room all day - will it disappear when no one sees it, like a bowl of lemons?